Meeting My Inner Critic

Today I read a blog post over on Laura Bray’s blog where she talks about her inner critic. It’s a fabulous post and if you are struggling with your own inner critic you might fight some company in her words.

It started me thinking about my own inner critic. I am not new to critic work (and if you would like some assistance on working with and identifying your own inner critic I highly recommend Andrea Schroeder’s work).

I’ve become aware the past few years of the voice that speaks to me all day long.
She’s not kind.
In fact, if she was a person that I interacted with on a daily basis I am pretty sure our relationship would have ended shortly after it began. Perhaps with a few choice words on my part.

Since she is part of me the separation is a bit more difficult. After reflecting on Laura’s post I started to think about my inner critic and how she shows up in my life.

My inner critics pop up in the guise of people I know and are based on what I am doing in the moment. If my house is a mess my inner critic shows up as the person I know would NEVER let her house get messy like that because she is disciplined, structured and routine-all things I am not. Also according to my inner critic my lack of discipline and routine is the very reason for anything unwanted that ever happens to me. If I am short tempered or cranky she shows up as the smiling friend who never let anything get her upset and just let everything roll right off her back. Sometimes she is a chastising mother figure telling me I am not good enough. It doesn’t quite matter the situation or what I am trying to do or avoid doing but it all seems to boil down to my not being good enough. My not being good enough means I am not ready which means just hold off a little longer to do that thing so we can be good enough and ready.

Who knew my inner critic was such a procrastinator?

Of course our inner critics are just the scared parts of ourselves. The parts that want us to stay safe and quiet over there reading our book or maybe writing poetry.  Not poetry to share mind you, just quietly writing in a notebook never to see the light of day. After all if we write poetry and share poetry people might write unkind things about it. And they did. I self-published a chapbook of my poetry and I was amazed at the beautiful and wonderful support I received from my friends and fellow writers from the writers group I was part of at that time. I had a beautiful book launch and felt very supported and loved.

Of course there were the snide comments that came online. The ones that tend to accompany a star rating of some kind. They hurt I won’t pretend they didn’t and it was moments like that where my inner critic was given some real ground to stand on. Of course there are a million reasons she tells me not to share my work.

*Your art isn’t good enough-no one as ever complimented your art ever. (except my 7 year-old son who tells everyone that his Mommy is a real artist).

*That piece looks too much like that other artist-only not as good and you don’t want to get sued for copyright. (even when the art does not look like the other artist and it is my own unique work).

*What if you write something and that person reads it? You know what it’s going to be like the next time you see them? Then they will know you believe in this or that and you know they don’t agree with that kind of thing. You are going to make everyone mad at you.

There is a big one right? Making people upset. I am a people pleaser whole and true. I grew up with an entire family of people who really only cared about how they felt and what was happening to them so there were lots of arguments. I learned I was good at peace-making and everyone really liked it when Michele made the peace by giving in. I liked seeing them happy (for once) so I kept doing it. After all it was so much easier to give in what I really wanted rather than sit and listen to arguing all day. I could never listen to my New Kids on the Blocks tapes that way.

As I have grown and had kids of my own I have tried to be the positive voice in their head. To be the one that is cheering them on rather than the one telling them they can’t or they shouldn’t. What I am realizing now is that we aren’t conditioned by the voices we hear over and over again. We are conditioned by the voices we believe. You can tell someone they are amazing and if they don’t believe it their inner critic voice will be much louder than yours.

I don’t blame anyone else for my own inner critics. We are all just muddling around this life doing what we know how to do the best way we know how to do it. I am sure I am someone else’s negative voice at times whether by my actions or their perceptions. The trick is realizing that we can write a new soundtrack to our lives. One that builds us up when we are doing something. “Your house is a mess! You never were very disciplined at keeping things neat.” Can be responded with, “I know but look at all the fun we had! And my ability to live in the present moment is what makes me happy and my life unique and colorful.”

“That art is never going to sell-you totally messed up this sketch and should have left it alone-you always color in to much!” Can be met with, “I am making art which is something I love to do so by extension I am making more love to go out into the world-that’s an amazing gift!”

Perhaps, over time our inner critics will relax a bit and realize we are already safe and that the opinions or thoughts of others don’t define who we are. The truth is we are so much more than even we can realize or accept and we are the ones who get to define our lives.

Here’s to a weekend of making messes, playing with words and color and maybe wearing some red lipstick-no matter what Maude thinks 🙂

-Until next time…

-Michele, aka The Dreaming Dilettante