Last year I was taking part in a workshop. It was a really nice workshop and I was excited to be a part of it. One of the topics was sisterhood and finding your tribe. During an exercise, I shared how I have never really experienced that in my life. I have tried and have been open to it. I even had it for brief moments but ultimately things fizzled ended or I realized that the support and love I experienced were temporary and the group was only able to support me for so long before I was setting out on my own again.
During the exercise the leader running the course completely understood and shared that she had experienced that as well and said she understood all too well the mentality of the “lone wolf” and she encouraged me to open myself once again to the idea of sisterhood and support.
Instead, when she mentioned the “lone wolf” it was as if a light was ignited within me. While I fully recognized this was not her intention, at that moment I realized I was not meant to be a part of the pack but rather I was meant to be the lone wolf.
“Alpha females don’t run in packs.”
I want to share I have not cut myself off from the idea of a tribe or sisterhood. In fact, I believe when the alphas and the lone wolves fully step into their power and no longer seek the acceptance of the pack that is when true, authentic tribes will be formed. I believe that we all need to stand in our own power, know who we are and who we are not and then love that person completely and unconditionally. Only then can we ever hope to be a true support to others.
You see, it’s the true and the authentic that I have found missing in most tribal and sisterhood experiences. If, like me, you are energy sensitive and able to feel the truth (or lack of) you know what I mean. It’s lovely when people say how happy they are or how much they support us but few people’s words match their vibrations and it is there that my ability to participate in a trust fall exercise wanes.
Today, I am wondering however if I have embraced the lone wolf a bit too much. I have sought support twice today from people that I trust and both times I was left feeling more alone than if I had just kept my mouth shut. I was hoping to have someone come and wrap an arm around me and say, “I got this and I’m here for you.”
Instead, I had some laughter and a sort of “I’m sorry hang in there.”
To be fair I didn’t clearly define what it was I was asking for. I didn’t say, “hey I need a sympathetic ear who will understand how hard this has been for me.” I also didn’t say, “I don’t need a pep talk I need actual help right now.”
The truth is I didn’t want to. Sometimes, even us lone wolves want someone to just see us. To see that even though we are strong and fierce and more than capable of doing it alone that we have chosen to have you in our lives and it would be really nice if for once you had our back without us having to ask you to. Without us having to give explicit instructions for how to have our backs.
I feel like I need to be the constant emotional intelligence of the world around me. That I need to draw an assembly line approach for how to be a human being.
I’m tired of doing so much inner work on myself only to have everyone else is graded on a curve. I am tired of being drained by the energies of the people around me with no relief in site and I am tired of not having anyone in my life that I know without fail I can call and will show up ready, willing and able to actually support me.
Or maybe, it’s supposed to be like that?
Perhaps it’s as simple as it being our life and we are the ones who are meant to live it. The full depth and width of it all. Perhaps support is an illusion that gets us going but ultimately we either stand and thrive or we don’t. Either way, we do it on our own regardless of our tribe, family or sisterhood. Whether we are a lone wolf or the leader of the pack we are given this life-no one else.
Until next time…