There is a phrase I hear a lot lately, “it takes a village to raise a child.” As I write this I am in my last month of pregnancy with my 3rd child. I homeschool my children, I have no daycare, no mommy’s group, no babysitter and I am home with my children for roughly 12 hours a day 5 days a week on my own.
I don’t want a village.
Now, I feel it necessary to say that the idea of this mythical village that is presented-the one we had as a people when we actually lived in villages and washed clothes in the river-sounds nice. Knowing I have support when I need it and that there is a group of women who think like I do and are in similar phases of life and we all work together to support each other, respect each other and don’t judge each other sounds lovely.
The reality in my experience is really something different and if you have found that as well let me assure you that you are not alone. Whether you are a mother or father or just someone who hasn’t found their tribe I hope you will take comfort to know you are not broken. That just because you aren’t able to connect with a group of people doesn’t necessarily mean there is something about you that needs fixing. In fact, I think for those of us who at our core struggle with connecting to convection is because we are here to cut down the crap and build the authentic.
I am highly sensitive to the energy around me. I can sense and feel intention the way most feel the cold of winter or the heat of the sun. A smile that’s hiding a big old “fuck you” is not well received by me as I am very clearly hearing your “fuck you.” An offer to help me that is really about you fulfilling some void or hole within you never feels helpful and I can observe people from afar with the precision of an FBI profiler.
If you are a light worker or healer and have always found yourself struggling when it comes to finding the true support you need I want you to know that you aren’t alone. When we are able to clearly see and meet the needs of others on a deeply spiritual and emotional level the oftentimes genuine desire of those around us to help can feel more of a let down than an actual act of support. While the neighbor offering to bring you over food might believe they are genuinely trying to help but their offer to help results in them dropping by unannounced often then wanting to come in and chat for an hour because the truth is they are lonely is more of a drain on us than if we had just cooked the meal ourselves.
The notion that we all need to be out there mixing it up in our tribe and feeling supported is a wonderful notion. I love that there are people in the world who have that. I wish I had that and am open to one day meeting a group of people like me and maybe building an actual village in the woods where we can work on creating the next phase for humanity.
In the meantime I live in suburbia and so I am focusing on seeing the blessings in my solitude. I am recognizing that I have my little family-husband and (almost) 3 children. I am recognizing that I am building my own personal strength and while in those moments of feeling overwhelmed, tired and alone I wish I had someone to call who could come over and make it all better-I don’t. In fact, I am able to look back and realize that my life has prepared me for strength, resilience and to be able to stand and say, “this is how I feel” even when it’s not popular. I recognize that I am raising my children in an unconventional way. I own the fact that while technically I have people I could call to babysit-I don’t want to because those aren’t the experiences I want for my children or I ultimately don’t feel very comfortable leaving my children with most people. Good, bad or otherwise those are my choices.
I recognize that I have choices. I know there are websites that would allow me to find a “qualified babysitter in my area” or a house cleaner or a thousand other people to come in and support me. I also know the drain it puts on me to have people in my home and the feeling of just “not right” that comes up when it’s suggested about leaving my kids with someone.
Perhaps I don’t want help. Perhaps I just want to go it alone even though it’s hard and it’s exhausting and it makes me question and doubt myself at times. Since when did a choice being hard mean it wasn’t the right one? What if helping ourselves and building that strength is the power we are meant to have? What if that’s the first step from moving our world from a blaming society of “I don’t have this because you don’t do this for me” and moving us to a “if I want that I know I can find a way.”
Since I know that if I want a truly authentic and caring village I can have one.
Even if I have to build it.
Until next time…
-Michele aka The Dreaming Dilettante