It’s taken me almost 40 years to really comprehend just how differently.
I imagine I will learn more in the next 40 years.
Of course we all have our own uniqueness that makes us beautiful and offering of a unique contribution to the world. I however, find the structures of our “normal society” to be extremely unkind to someone like me.
In my world I focus on intention. I can forgive almost anything that hurts me if the intention was not to. I can appreciate the effort someone puts forth to help me even if the end result was nothing like what I wanted or needed. And I would never dream of pointing out all the ways in which they fell short.
Why would I want to hurt someone like that?
Perhaps people don’t realize. Those that live focused on the quantifiable. They have their numbers that either add up or don’t. Their check lists that are either checked or not. They have their rules that are either met or broken and their life must be just so. Perhaps they do not realize the heart that someone like me puts into doing something. They don’t understand the vulnerability that a homemade gift offers-a sneak peak into my heart-as they toss it aside stating it wasn’t really what they wanted.
I had an experience like this recently. What I marvel at is that it was a recreational gathering focused solely on fun and making something. There was no money exchanging hands, no task that need accomplishing simply a theme, a parameter and some guidelines. As a result I was told that since I didn’t meet the specifications which they took up with the organizer to verify I hadn’t in fact followed the details to the letter-that I need to re-do it or I would be graded poorly.
I have a mixture of extreme hurt mixed with a big dose of go Fuck Yourself.
Yes, I talk to angels and I curse a lot. Mostly I am hurt and wondering what type of person takes something that is supposed to fun and turns it into a term paper?
I wonder about the person that would send off not one but 2 emails even after I explained how I understood things. The person that would basically tell me she will send it back to me to re-do and only then give me a better rating. Who told that the purpose of this exchange was to bring happiness and she was not happy when she received hers. Could someone like her ever be happy when she is always looking so keenly for the ways in which others have fallen short of their expectations?
I wonder about the life that is able to focus so keenly on such unimportant things.
Then again, here I am focusing on it.
While writing this my 6 year-old daughter dropped her lollipop. It was her last one and she was sad. Earlier her little brother wouldn’t give her back her roller skates so she and I were kind of having a rough start to our Saturday. I said to her, “I am feeling very sad and my feelings are hurt. But I don’t want to let one person ruin my day with my family and I don’t think you should let a silly lollipop ruin your day either. What can we focus on to make this day better?”
We’ve decided to make homemade washi tape after Daddy brings us home bagels.
Life is full of broken lollipops and hurt feelings but it is also full of so much more. Today, right now, I choose to focus on the more.
Until next time…
-Michele, aka The Dreaming Dilettante